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...on retired soldiers benefits.
So, instead of continuously paying benefits, switched to a lump-sum payment option.
All eligible soldiers were notified to appear at their local base to register.
Upon arriving, it was explained that each man would pick 2 spots on his body. The distance between those spots would be measured, and 1,000 dollars paid out for every inch of the measurement.
The first soldier asked two be measured from head to toe. Being as he was 6 feet tall, he measured 72 inches, and was paid $72,000
The second soldier raised his hands over his head and stood tiptoe, then asked to be measured from his fingertips to his toetips. He walked away with over $100K
Finally, a crusty old vet approached the measuring station and declared, "I'll be measured from the head of my dick to the base of my balls."
"Uhhh... do you understand what you're asking?" Said the Officer with the measuring tape.
The old man just growled at him.
So, after having the old man drop trou the Officer in charge went in for a measurement... He started at the tip of his penis and...
...
"Where are your--- your-- Where are your testicles??!!!??!?!?!?
His answer.....
VIETNAM!!!!

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There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

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[knock knock]
GUY: Who's there?
MESSENGER: Telegram!
GUY: Telegram who?
MESSENGER: Uh sir, it's Western Union. I have a telegram for you.
GUY: Oh goody, a telegram on my birthday! Is it a singing telegram?
MESSENGER: No sir, it's just a regular telegram. Please sign here.
GUY: I was really hoping for a singing telegram. Would you mind singing it for me?
MESSENGER: We're really not supposed to do that, sir.
GUY: But it's my birthday.
MESSENGER: I'm not a very good singer.
GUY: Please?
MESSENGER: I'd rather not, sir.
GUY: I'll give you an extra big tip!
MESSENGER: I really don't think it's a good idea, sir.
GUY: Look it's my birthday and I've never gotten a singing telegram before and I really want a singing telegram and if you don't give me my singing telegram I'm going to call the president of Western Union and tell him how mean you were to me on my birthday by not giving me my singing telegram! So THERE!
MESSENGER: All right sir, if you insist.
Dada dada da DA
Your mother's dead.

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